You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
