I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
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