I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
