he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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