I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I need to calm my uterus...
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
