I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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