I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
