I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
