do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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