I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize