Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
