she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
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