Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
