there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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