She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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