last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
