remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize