somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
