I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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