I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
