Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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