imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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