My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize