I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Randomize
