Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
