I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
