We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
