sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
