I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
