i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
my shit smells like andre
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I think I sprained my soul last night
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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