It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
