I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize