Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize