Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
