guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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