Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
