So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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