Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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