I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Im part way to drunk.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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