Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize