You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
