I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I think my vagina is haunted
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
