fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
