My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
