I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
