Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
