She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
