i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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