dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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