Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
