so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
