Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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