There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
