When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
