My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
