Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
