I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
