im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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