Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
