No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
