I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize