I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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