I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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