Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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