When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
